Kindergarten, oh kindergarten! Sarah is growing up so fast I can feel the wind blasting through my hair. I tell her almost everyday "OK, Sarah, stop growing up", she giggles and I smile. But, in my heart I mean it; just a little. So, then I think back, try to capture a memory, and try as I might I cannot get any of her past 100% in my grasp. It is not that I don't relish in watching her grow, develop, learn and blossom. But, each new season in her life closes a too short chapter in my mothering life.
Knowing she is my first, last and only makes every milestone truly bitter sweet. Then to top it off; the fear I had in the years before she arrived that I might never experience these occasions just intensifies it further. Over a decade of treatments for infertility and longing for a baby has left its mark on this mommy. I am reminded at each landmark in her life that I could have never experienced the joy of even being a mom, let alone Sarah's mommy. Then let's exaggerate it more and make me say hello and goodbye in a single breath. It seems to amplify at every occasion.
It shocks me how often being a mom reminds me of my journey with infertility. Does that seem as odd to you, as it does to me at first glance. Of course, if I think about it; it is logical. I still feel as though I am infertile, as I have never carried a baby to full term. But yet, I can just as easily say that Sarah is not an only in our family, because I am the mommy to my babies who dwell with Jesus. And, I find it interesting that she also is not an only in her world either. She was born in my heart and but born in the womb of another and has a younger sister and brother who each have different families.
Her adoption into our family was nothing short of divine intervention which is so comparable to our being adopted by God our Father. Utter and complete divine intervention. God the Father sent his Son to intervene for us on by way of the cross. How great if the Father's love for me; for you; for us that he would send His only Son to die. And not just to die but to die the most horrific death imaginable so that we may live. Being a mommy has also changed my take on this fact. Could I send Sarah out, to save people who will hate her? Out to save people who will kill her? I mean, think about it...God sent Jesus to save even the least of us, ME!
Knowing she is my first, last and only makes every milestone truly bitter sweet. Then to top it off; the fear I had in the years before she arrived that I might never experience these occasions just intensifies it further. Over a decade of treatments for infertility and longing for a baby has left its mark on this mommy. I am reminded at each landmark in her life that I could have never experienced the joy of even being a mom, let alone Sarah's mommy. Then let's exaggerate it more and make me say hello and goodbye in a single breath. It seems to amplify at every occasion.
It shocks me how often being a mom reminds me of my journey with infertility. Does that seem as odd to you, as it does to me at first glance. Of course, if I think about it; it is logical. I still feel as though I am infertile, as I have never carried a baby to full term. But yet, I can just as easily say that Sarah is not an only in our family, because I am the mommy to my babies who dwell with Jesus. And, I find it interesting that she also is not an only in her world either. She was born in my heart and but born in the womb of another and has a younger sister and brother who each have different families.
Her adoption into our family was nothing short of divine intervention which is so comparable to our being adopted by God our Father. Utter and complete divine intervention. God the Father sent his Son to intervene for us on by way of the cross. How great if the Father's love for me; for you; for us that he would send His only Son to die. And not just to die but to die the most horrific death imaginable so that we may live. Being a mommy has also changed my take on this fact. Could I send Sarah out, to save people who will hate her? Out to save people who will kill her? I mean, think about it...God sent Jesus to save even the least of us, ME!
