Perfectionism

I must be perfect! I must be perfect in all I say, all I do and all I think. OK, I know I am not perfect and I am easily able to admit to my loving Father God ALL of my wretchedness and all of my sins. I can tell you, here and now "I am not perfect" no big deal. I mean no one is, right? But, to tell those who are the closest to me "I am not perfect" and to confess my sins against them. And beg for their mercy; OH NO!!! My heart races, my breath is labored and difficult, tears well in my eyes and I am frozen. The weight crushes me. Fear seizes me. I am frozen in my tracks. The emotions fill my heart but cannot get to my brain to become articulate and then at that point they will never become audible and break free from my lips.

Fear can be an overpowering emotion. Why am I so afraid? Of what, am I so afraid? Is it because I know I have no guarantee I will be forgiven? No guarantee I will still be loved? Maybe that is why it is easy for me to repent to my Father God. He has promised me His forgiveness and love in the death and Resurrection of His Son, my dear Savior and Lord. It has nothing to do with me. I know it is full and complete. OK, I admit I want those guarantees, here, now in my earthly relationships. I want to be assured that those I love will forgive me and will continue to love me.

How do I triumph over this fear and confess my transgressions? What must I do? The Apostle Paul writes in Philippians 4:4-7 & 13 "Rejoice in the Lord always; again, I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be know to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And, the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard you hearts and minds in Christ Jesus....I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." I am part of the body of Christ who supports me. And the Lord Himself is beside me to give me patience, wisdom and help. He hears my prayers. And when life makes no sense I am given the peace of God which sustains and directs me. The peace that resides in Jesus my refuge. I can be assured that I can welcome all the experiences in my life. I can find wisdom in God's word and the the Holy Spirit can use my life and my experiences to further His kingdom.

I can pray, keep in the word, come with a contrite heart and ask for forgiveness knowing that God commands me to do so and that I cannot and should not EXPECT forgiveness from my 'brother'. My action is in response to God's saving grace NOT to make me feel better or ease my pain.

As a mom, I have made a concerted effort to require "I am sorry" to and from my daughter and an "I forgive you" in return. Learning and teaching all in one. Isn't it wonderful how God has given me a second chance to practice.

P.S. I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you more today than yesterday.