The Wind in My Hair

Kindergarten, oh kindergarten! Sarah is growing up so fast I can feel the wind blasting through my hair. I tell her almost everyday "OK, Sarah, stop growing up", she giggles and I smile. But, in my heart I mean it; just a little. So, then I think back, try to capture a memory, and try as I might I cannot get any of her past 100% in my grasp. It is not that I don't relish in watching her grow, develop, learn and blossom. But, each new season in her life closes a too short chapter in my mothering life.


Knowing she is my first, last and only makes every milestone truly bitter sweet. Then to top it off; the fear I had in the years before she arrived that I might never experience these occasions just intensifies it further. Over a decade of treatments for infertility and longing for a baby has left its mark on this mommy. I am reminded at each landmark in her life that I could have never experienced the joy of even being a mom, let alone Sarah's mommy. Then let's exaggerate it more and make me say hello and goodbye in a single breath. It seems to amplify at every occasion.


It shocks me how often being a mom reminds me of my journey with infertility. Does that seem as odd to you, as it does to me at first glance. Of course, if I think about it; it is logical. I still feel as though I am infertile, as I have never carried a baby to full term. But yet, I can just as easily say that Sarah is not an only in our family, because I am the mommy to my babies who dwell with Jesus. And, I find it interesting that she also is not an only in her world either. She was born in my heart and but born in the womb of another and has a younger sister and brother who each have different families.

Her adoption into our family was nothing short of divine intervention which is so comparable to our being adopted by God our Father. Utter and complete divine intervention. God the Father sent his Son to intervene for us on by way of the cross. How great if the Father's love for me; for you; for us that he would send His only Son to die. And not just to die but to die the most horrific death imaginable so that we may live. Being a mommy has also changed my take on this fact. Could I send Sarah out, to save people who will hate her? Out to save people who will kill her? I mean, think about it...God sent Jesus to save even the least of us, ME!

Alpacas - One Decade

Many of you know Jimmy and I raise and breed alpacas. Last Valentine's Day we celebrated 10 years in the business. There have been so many changes in our life since we started this adventure February 14, 2000. We moved to a small acreage in the summer of 2001 and grew our herd all the while trying to "grow" our family. The alpaca herd grew quickly and our desire to move out of California grew too. (More of growing our family in another post.)

Alpaca fiber (or fleece) which is equivalent to silk or cashmere is referred to as "The fiber of the gods". Not my favorite saying since gods' are not really well thought of in our home. On the other hand, the one true God, (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) are loved and worshiped. But... anyway, alpaca fleece truly is luxurious. Well, we used to have a well stocked alpaca product store. But since our house fire, May 2007, all of our sales are done on-line.

Alpacas are a wonderful livestock, easy on the land, easy keepers and gentle. they can provide a wonderful tax break opportunity and potential for doubling your investment every year. They are a herd animal and as a result would much rather hang out with themselves and so do not require any "loving" so to speak like our Great Pyrs love to get from us when we are in the barn or pastures.

The alpacas gave me great joy to just sit and watch them pronk and play in the pastures after a long and stressful day in my families real estate business. And when infertility treatments became unbearable all I had to do was grab a soda, sit on the front porch and watch.

If you want to learn a little more about alpacas, just ask!!! alpacas@rollingthunderfarms.com We love to show them off!!! Maybe, you too, can create the lifestyle you have been dreaming of.

Rescue Me (The post I wrote before the Prequel)

Nancy's Note: written 5/7/10

I am struggling. Struggling with sin, a particular sin. Today I verbalized it quite accidentially, I must admit. You see, I was explaining (and almost bragging) about how I gave up gambling, of any kind, years ago. No slot machines, no mega lotto, no roulette - well, you get the picture. But then I had to kind of take inventory of how I really didn't give up much. You see I am not at all addicted to gambling. I don't miss it. I hate Las Vegas. And so...what sin have I turned away from? In my life it wasn't a sin. I did not spend my grocery money at the casino. OK, so what is the real sin I let slip from my lips and heard for the real first time? It is the $3.00 on sale t-shirt for Sarah that I just have to get. Or the pair of jeans I must purchase for Jimmy to wear for our family picture. A special mop for my floors. OK, the list can and does go on and on and on. So there it is my confession. But, bottom line is...I spend too easily on too many things I shouldn't. This is an easy sin to hide when income is flowing freely. But, when the purse strings are tight it can be down right dangerous.


O LORD, Deliver My Life

(A Psalm of David)

O LORD, rebuke me not in your anger, nor discipline me in your wrath. Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am languishing; heal me O LORD, for my bones are troubled. My soul also is greatly troubled. But you, O LORD—how long?

Turn, O LORD, deliver my life; save me for the sake of your steadfast love. For in death there is no remembrance of you; in Sheol who will give you praise?

I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping. My eye wastes away because of grief; it grows weak because of all my foes.

Depart from me, all you workers of evil, for the LORD has heard the sound of my weeping. The LORD has heard my plea; the LORD accepts my prayer. All my enemies shall be ashamed and greatly troubled; they shall turn back and be put to shame in a moment. Psalm 6, ESV

I started a reading plan to read the Book of Psalms in 60 days. I found this through my friend Erin’s blog. So, I started May 1st and I just finished reading chapter 6. Well, I am supposed to be finishing chapter 15 today, but that is another story. This chapter spoke volumes to me tonight.

I love David. A scrawny shepherd boy who fell ‘under the radar’ in this world and yet was destined by God to rule over the Israelite kingdom. A man who sinned, and sinned well he did. And yet, in God’s own words he was exalted as “A man after God’s own heart”. How moving it is for me to know that I too am destined by God and can be called “a woman after God’s own heart”. Not by my doing but by David’s line, God’s own Son. We can all be called “a woman after God’s own heart” by the work and person of Jesus Christ.

David, in this Psalm is anguishing over his sin. In it is a prayer for mercy. David also speaks of life and death and how with God there is life and without Him there is death. And that David feels as though God has His attention elsewhere and David asks god to deliver him from death and the devil. David is in mourning because of his sin but he also speaks of how the Lord has heard his cries. I too pray for mercy, undeserved. I call to the Lord through my tears. I am assured that God will hear me as He heard David. And I know that through Christ I will have life eternal. We all can be secure in these things.

David also calls out asking for God to relieve him of his suffering (physical, mental and emotional) here and now in this world. This gives me great comfort to know that in my sin I too can ask for strength, healing, compassion, relief, help, comfort, peace HERE and NOW. I know where my eternal future lies but sometimes I really want these things, like David, in the here and now. I must acknowledge that it is all in God’s timing and all God’s will how and when and if it is to be. Because scripture clearly reveals that the wages of sin is death. But, God be praised! Through faith in Christ’s redemption, our sins have been forgiven.

Lord, hear my plea, and accept my prayer through the merits of Jesus, who prays for me. Amen.

The Prequel

I have been trying to put into words some thoughts that have been rolling around in my head. I need to get these on 'paper' before posting the last blog entry I wrote. Yes, my prequel.

I believe that for me to correct my ways I must first confess my sins and truly be repentant. My heart must be continually repentant so that I am reminded to walk daily in the Word and with the Spirit. Because as much as I would like to "kick my habit" I cannot do it on my own.

Confession: I spend and then I spend some more. Good deals, bad deals, no deals. In the last few years I have been a spending maniac. I have a good reason for some of it. You see, we lost our home and everything in it to a fire. We had to rebuild our home and buy everything we needed to live. It was like forcing an alcoholic to drink. With what seemed like a bottomless budget I was in seventh heaven. You name it, we needed it and I bought it. With thoughts twirling threw my mind like. "It is just stuff, who needs it anyhow." "I deserve this and more because I had way more than this." "I ought to have that because what I had was way better, meant more, was priceless, etc..." Most of what I bought we needed and I could easily justify my purchase. When I look back at how much money I spent, to replace our belongings, in such a short period of time (18 months) it boggles my mind. Granted we paid insurance premiums so that if disaster struck we could replace our stuff. It still fed my sickness, my addiction and it has made it so much more evident and so much more difficult to curtail.

So there is my confession. What can I do to change? Nothing, at least nothing on my own. Will I change? Maybe, maybe not. But my only chance is to be constant in the Word of God and know that I can do nothing without Him who saved me. I know that I am forgiven not because I have changed or because of anything I have done or said. But, I am forgiven and made righteous because of the person and work of Jesus. As Paul wrote to the Romans in Chapter 8 verses 1 through 4.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

Perfectionism

I must be perfect! I must be perfect in all I say, all I do and all I think. OK, I know I am not perfect and I am easily able to admit to my loving Father God ALL of my wretchedness and all of my sins. I can tell you, here and now "I am not perfect" no big deal. I mean no one is, right? But, to tell those who are the closest to me "I am not perfect" and to confess my sins against them. And beg for their mercy; OH NO!!! My heart races, my breath is labored and difficult, tears well in my eyes and I am frozen. The weight crushes me. Fear seizes me. I am frozen in my tracks. The emotions fill my heart but cannot get to my brain to become articulate and then at that point they will never become audible and break free from my lips.

Fear can be an overpowering emotion. Why am I so afraid? Of what, am I so afraid? Is it because I know I have no guarantee I will be forgiven? No guarantee I will still be loved? Maybe that is why it is easy for me to repent to my Father God. He has promised me His forgiveness and love in the death and Resurrection of His Son, my dear Savior and Lord. It has nothing to do with me. I know it is full and complete. OK, I admit I want those guarantees, here, now in my earthly relationships. I want to be assured that those I love will forgive me and will continue to love me.

How do I triumph over this fear and confess my transgressions? What must I do? The Apostle Paul writes in Philippians 4:4-7 & 13 "Rejoice in the Lord always; again, I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be know to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And, the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard you hearts and minds in Christ Jesus....I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." I am part of the body of Christ who supports me. And the Lord Himself is beside me to give me patience, wisdom and help. He hears my prayers. And when life makes no sense I am given the peace of God which sustains and directs me. The peace that resides in Jesus my refuge. I can be assured that I can welcome all the experiences in my life. I can find wisdom in God's word and the the Holy Spirit can use my life and my experiences to further His kingdom.

I can pray, keep in the word, come with a contrite heart and ask for forgiveness knowing that God commands me to do so and that I cannot and should not EXPECT forgiveness from my 'brother'. My action is in response to God's saving grace NOT to make me feel better or ease my pain.

As a mom, I have made a concerted effort to require "I am sorry" to and from my daughter and an "I forgive you" in return. Learning and teaching all in one. Isn't it wonderful how God has given me a second chance to practice.

P.S. I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you more today than yesterday.

Italian Bow Tie Bake

Ok, so I like to try new recipes. But, I have to admit I don't do it very often. As a result I tend to collect recipes and cook books. Well, when planning my menu for the end of April and into May I perused through a cook book and picked one and then tabbed a few others to try. Last week I actually remembered to get the ingredients needed onto my grocery list, into my buggy and home.

Being a very picky eater (and married to one) it can be difficult to find one I am brave enough to try. So, the experiment yesterday was Bow-Tie Pasta (ok can you believe I have never eaten or made it?).

Cook Book: Taste of Home; Casseroles, slow cookers & soups. (page 84)

Italian Bow Tie Bake

Prep: 20 Cook: 15 (OK that was a winning part too!!)

* 8 oz uncooked bow tie pasta
* 1 jar (16 oz) garlic and onion spaghetti sauce (I used sauce I canned 1 qt jar and sauce I froze 1 qt baggie - from my garden last year - the jarred was spaghetti sauce the baggie was tomato sauce. I liked having the extra sauce so that the 2nd day in the oven it was still moist.)
* 1 envelope Italian salad dressing mix
* 2 cups (8 oz) shredded mozzarella cheese

Cook pasta according to package directions, drain. In a large bowl, combine spaghetti sauce and salad dressing mix. I also added 1 lb cooked ground beef with Italian seasonings. Add pasta, toss to coat.

Transfer to a greased shallow 2 qt baking dish. Sprinkle with cheese. Bake, uncovered, at 400' for 15-20 minutes or until heated through. Yield 4 (for us it was more like 6 - 8 with the ground beef).

Enjoy - we did!!!

24

I am calling on Jack Bauer and CTU to come and save me. I am in desperate need of more time in the day. No matter how many lists (punch list, prayer list, reading list, checklist, grocery list, to do list, and they go on and on...) I never can seem to get everything done I plan on doing.

It is funny though, I never miss an episode of 24. I can have Sarah ready for bed and asleep by 8pm every Monday night, but the other 6 nights I seem a little challenged in this area. OK, I have to admit that I have been in slight mourning thinking about this being the last season of my favorite TV show. But wait, wow, did Jack just give me an extra hour per week. I should be joyous and thankful!!!

Why is it that we think all we need is more time, more money, more help (you get the picture). When all we need is Christ! How easy we forget! God reminds us "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13. Maybe all I need is more reminders... But, it seems to me reminders are not the trick. There are no tricks I just need to walk with God in joyous response to His saving grace given to me by His death and Resurrection. In my baptism Christ came to live in me and because of that I am one of the saints but unfortunately because I am also a sinner I need to be in God's presence (e.g. in His word, in worship of Him, partaking in Sacraments, in prayer to Him). So, in a way yes I am reminded of Him and to walk with Him when I put myself in His presence.

This leads me to think that I can be "reminded" of Him 24 hours a day. Open my eyes and see the miracles around me. My loving, convicted in Christ and committed husband. The daughter who came to us solely through Divine intervention. My parents who have done everything in their power to provide everything I might have needed growing up. I could go on and on with the people in my life who have lifted me up in prayer, cared for me, loved me and who are so important to me. My best friend once told me "Let God work through the people around you to give you support". Such wise words.

This time of year it is so easy to see so many miracles. The trees and flowers blooming and growing. So, I can be reminded of God every moment of every day if only I open my eyes to behold His Glory. God is there, He is everywhere. Will I see? Will I listen? Will I respond?

My prayer today is that my walk becomes a little easier each day. And that when you see me you know that I am living in joyous response to God and all He has done for me 24 hours a day.

Thirsty Thursday

My friend Erin posted a "Thankful Thursday" and it reminded me to water my african violet. You see I have 2 very black thumbs. I never seem to be able grow any kind of plants and yet I have an african violet (ok, I admit I started out with 2 - tee hee) that will see it's second birthday in less than a month. I have repotted it once and do believe I need to do it again. But, on to Thirsty Thursday; you see another friend once suggested I water my "plants" on 'Water Wednesday' and if I forget (yes, I did, AGAIN) I need to take care of them on 'Thirsty Thursday'. I will admit that I on occasion have forgotten until 'Famished Friday'.

The recommendation actually was given when I received a plant from a friend in honor of Sarah's birth. I was terrified that if I let that plant die I would somehow jinx my little button. So, I cared for and nurtured and watered that plant. Amazing how when a plant is watered it grows and lives.

I am like a plant in need of water, The Living Water, just like the woman at the well. Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, 'Give me a drink,' you would have asked him, and he would have given you the living water....Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:10b and 13-14 ESV

I am happy to know that although I have always considered myself to have only 2 black thumbs that I can learn the skill of having a green thumb. Today we started preparing the ground (did some rototilling) for my garden; it's second year. And my african violet was in beautiful blooms this last month. I am looking forward to the fruits of my labors with my garden too. The joys of living in the midwest. Oooo that is a great idea for a post, hmmmmm.

Just as I tend to my plants and garden, Jesus tends to me. Watering, nurturing, pruning etc... I am thankful He is willing to do and does on a daily basis. I will learn to soak Him up, the gardener of my life.

Am I a Failure?

My coupons are piling up on a chair in the dining room! I haven't shined my sink in over a week! My menu planner is upside down on the counter, empty! The list can go on for miles. It seems that I am so easily distracted. I start so gung-ho and then my sizzle turns to a fizzle.

My heart stays in the game but this sinful body, where my heart resides, takes over. I pray that my heart will win out one day. I may have to wait until I meet my heavenly Father before I can say "today my body followed the dreams of my heart" and I did what I set out to do today.

My heart's desire is to be a woman after God's own heart. Just as God called King David "A man after God's own heart". I feel a kinship to David in all my struggles to live as a Christian. God's love for David gives me hope. I know that I am a daughter of the King of Kings; loved just as He loved David. God loves you too.

To answer my question, YES, I am a failure! But forgiven and loved by the most Holy of Holy's my (our) Father, Abba, Daddy, God.

Tomorrow is another day and I AM A SUCCESS AT STARTING OVER!

Want to know about my home church? Good Shepherd Lutheran Church

It starts somewhere.

Hello!! So, is this how it starts? My first thoughts are; OK, so why would someone want to read this and what do I really want or need to say?

I want to start with number one, Jesus, my Lord and Savior. It humbles me so to think that He came just for me. Yes, you too; but that part makes sense to me and always has. You are wonderfully made! You are amazing! It was not shocking to me when I was young. I had NO doubt God loved me and sent His Son for me.

But, somewhere during my life (you know the sinful one I (we) live) I did loose that confidence. I doubted the greatness and fullness of my God. I sinned even more by thinking that Jesus' sacrifice on the cross somehow must not have been sufficient for me. How could I, poor miserable sinner, be deserving of His love. So great a love. But you know what, I am not deserving and yet I am covered by His grace. Covered by His blood. Saved not by anything I can do. Only saved by His washing by His blood. He is sufficient, He is all I need.

So, now the reason for my blog: To remind me that all I need is Him. My Lord and Savior; Jesus Christ.