Perfectionism

I must be perfect! I must be perfect in all I say, all I do and all I think. OK, I know I am not perfect and I am easily able to admit to my loving Father God ALL of my wretchedness and all of my sins. I can tell you, here and now "I am not perfect" no big deal. I mean no one is, right? But, to tell those who are the closest to me "I am not perfect" and to confess my sins against them. And beg for their mercy; OH NO!!! My heart races, my breath is labored and difficult, tears well in my eyes and I am frozen. The weight crushes me. Fear seizes me. I am frozen in my tracks. The emotions fill my heart but cannot get to my brain to become articulate and then at that point they will never become audible and break free from my lips.

Fear can be an overpowering emotion. Why am I so afraid? Of what, am I so afraid? Is it because I know I have no guarantee I will be forgiven? No guarantee I will still be loved? Maybe that is why it is easy for me to repent to my Father God. He has promised me His forgiveness and love in the death and Resurrection of His Son, my dear Savior and Lord. It has nothing to do with me. I know it is full and complete. OK, I admit I want those guarantees, here, now in my earthly relationships. I want to be assured that those I love will forgive me and will continue to love me.

How do I triumph over this fear and confess my transgressions? What must I do? The Apostle Paul writes in Philippians 4:4-7 & 13 "Rejoice in the Lord always; again, I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be know to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And, the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard you hearts and minds in Christ Jesus....I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." I am part of the body of Christ who supports me. And the Lord Himself is beside me to give me patience, wisdom and help. He hears my prayers. And when life makes no sense I am given the peace of God which sustains and directs me. The peace that resides in Jesus my refuge. I can be assured that I can welcome all the experiences in my life. I can find wisdom in God's word and the the Holy Spirit can use my life and my experiences to further His kingdom.

I can pray, keep in the word, come with a contrite heart and ask for forgiveness knowing that God commands me to do so and that I cannot and should not EXPECT forgiveness from my 'brother'. My action is in response to God's saving grace NOT to make me feel better or ease my pain.

As a mom, I have made a concerted effort to require "I am sorry" to and from my daughter and an "I forgive you" in return. Learning and teaching all in one. Isn't it wonderful how God has given me a second chance to practice.

P.S. I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you more today than yesterday.

Italian Bow Tie Bake

Ok, so I like to try new recipes. But, I have to admit I don't do it very often. As a result I tend to collect recipes and cook books. Well, when planning my menu for the end of April and into May I perused through a cook book and picked one and then tabbed a few others to try. Last week I actually remembered to get the ingredients needed onto my grocery list, into my buggy and home.

Being a very picky eater (and married to one) it can be difficult to find one I am brave enough to try. So, the experiment yesterday was Bow-Tie Pasta (ok can you believe I have never eaten or made it?).

Cook Book: Taste of Home; Casseroles, slow cookers & soups. (page 84)

Italian Bow Tie Bake

Prep: 20 Cook: 15 (OK that was a winning part too!!)

* 8 oz uncooked bow tie pasta
* 1 jar (16 oz) garlic and onion spaghetti sauce (I used sauce I canned 1 qt jar and sauce I froze 1 qt baggie - from my garden last year - the jarred was spaghetti sauce the baggie was tomato sauce. I liked having the extra sauce so that the 2nd day in the oven it was still moist.)
* 1 envelope Italian salad dressing mix
* 2 cups (8 oz) shredded mozzarella cheese

Cook pasta according to package directions, drain. In a large bowl, combine spaghetti sauce and salad dressing mix. I also added 1 lb cooked ground beef with Italian seasonings. Add pasta, toss to coat.

Transfer to a greased shallow 2 qt baking dish. Sprinkle with cheese. Bake, uncovered, at 400' for 15-20 minutes or until heated through. Yield 4 (for us it was more like 6 - 8 with the ground beef).

Enjoy - we did!!!

24

I am calling on Jack Bauer and CTU to come and save me. I am in desperate need of more time in the day. No matter how many lists (punch list, prayer list, reading list, checklist, grocery list, to do list, and they go on and on...) I never can seem to get everything done I plan on doing.

It is funny though, I never miss an episode of 24. I can have Sarah ready for bed and asleep by 8pm every Monday night, but the other 6 nights I seem a little challenged in this area. OK, I have to admit that I have been in slight mourning thinking about this being the last season of my favorite TV show. But wait, wow, did Jack just give me an extra hour per week. I should be joyous and thankful!!!

Why is it that we think all we need is more time, more money, more help (you get the picture). When all we need is Christ! How easy we forget! God reminds us "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13. Maybe all I need is more reminders... But, it seems to me reminders are not the trick. There are no tricks I just need to walk with God in joyous response to His saving grace given to me by His death and Resurrection. In my baptism Christ came to live in me and because of that I am one of the saints but unfortunately because I am also a sinner I need to be in God's presence (e.g. in His word, in worship of Him, partaking in Sacraments, in prayer to Him). So, in a way yes I am reminded of Him and to walk with Him when I put myself in His presence.

This leads me to think that I can be "reminded" of Him 24 hours a day. Open my eyes and see the miracles around me. My loving, convicted in Christ and committed husband. The daughter who came to us solely through Divine intervention. My parents who have done everything in their power to provide everything I might have needed growing up. I could go on and on with the people in my life who have lifted me up in prayer, cared for me, loved me and who are so important to me. My best friend once told me "Let God work through the people around you to give you support". Such wise words.

This time of year it is so easy to see so many miracles. The trees and flowers blooming and growing. So, I can be reminded of God every moment of every day if only I open my eyes to behold His Glory. God is there, He is everywhere. Will I see? Will I listen? Will I respond?

My prayer today is that my walk becomes a little easier each day. And that when you see me you know that I am living in joyous response to God and all He has done for me 24 hours a day.

Thirsty Thursday

My friend Erin posted a "Thankful Thursday" and it reminded me to water my african violet. You see I have 2 very black thumbs. I never seem to be able grow any kind of plants and yet I have an african violet (ok, I admit I started out with 2 - tee hee) that will see it's second birthday in less than a month. I have repotted it once and do believe I need to do it again. But, on to Thirsty Thursday; you see another friend once suggested I water my "plants" on 'Water Wednesday' and if I forget (yes, I did, AGAIN) I need to take care of them on 'Thirsty Thursday'. I will admit that I on occasion have forgotten until 'Famished Friday'.

The recommendation actually was given when I received a plant from a friend in honor of Sarah's birth. I was terrified that if I let that plant die I would somehow jinx my little button. So, I cared for and nurtured and watered that plant. Amazing how when a plant is watered it grows and lives.

I am like a plant in need of water, The Living Water, just like the woman at the well. Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, 'Give me a drink,' you would have asked him, and he would have given you the living water....Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:10b and 13-14 ESV

I am happy to know that although I have always considered myself to have only 2 black thumbs that I can learn the skill of having a green thumb. Today we started preparing the ground (did some rototilling) for my garden; it's second year. And my african violet was in beautiful blooms this last month. I am looking forward to the fruits of my labors with my garden too. The joys of living in the midwest. Oooo that is a great idea for a post, hmmmmm.

Just as I tend to my plants and garden, Jesus tends to me. Watering, nurturing, pruning etc... I am thankful He is willing to do and does on a daily basis. I will learn to soak Him up, the gardener of my life.

Am I a Failure?

My coupons are piling up on a chair in the dining room! I haven't shined my sink in over a week! My menu planner is upside down on the counter, empty! The list can go on for miles. It seems that I am so easily distracted. I start so gung-ho and then my sizzle turns to a fizzle.

My heart stays in the game but this sinful body, where my heart resides, takes over. I pray that my heart will win out one day. I may have to wait until I meet my heavenly Father before I can say "today my body followed the dreams of my heart" and I did what I set out to do today.

My heart's desire is to be a woman after God's own heart. Just as God called King David "A man after God's own heart". I feel a kinship to David in all my struggles to live as a Christian. God's love for David gives me hope. I know that I am a daughter of the King of Kings; loved just as He loved David. God loves you too.

To answer my question, YES, I am a failure! But forgiven and loved by the most Holy of Holy's my (our) Father, Abba, Daddy, God.

Tomorrow is another day and I AM A SUCCESS AT STARTING OVER!

Want to know about my home church? Good Shepherd Lutheran Church

It starts somewhere.

Hello!! So, is this how it starts? My first thoughts are; OK, so why would someone want to read this and what do I really want or need to say?

I want to start with number one, Jesus, my Lord and Savior. It humbles me so to think that He came just for me. Yes, you too; but that part makes sense to me and always has. You are wonderfully made! You are amazing! It was not shocking to me when I was young. I had NO doubt God loved me and sent His Son for me.

But, somewhere during my life (you know the sinful one I (we) live) I did loose that confidence. I doubted the greatness and fullness of my God. I sinned even more by thinking that Jesus' sacrifice on the cross somehow must not have been sufficient for me. How could I, poor miserable sinner, be deserving of His love. So great a love. But you know what, I am not deserving and yet I am covered by His grace. Covered by His blood. Saved not by anything I can do. Only saved by His washing by His blood. He is sufficient, He is all I need.

So, now the reason for my blog: To remind me that all I need is Him. My Lord and Savior; Jesus Christ.